Garrus: If this ends with the both of us dying in a giant explosion killing a Reaper, just remember. I took the kill shot.
During: Squad Banter
Shepard: The bartender over there?
Liara: The matriarch hired by the asari gouvernment to track my movements?
Shepard: She’s your father.
Eve: I should consider him an enemy. Yet I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.
Mordin: Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy, and… da-di-di-dee-di-doo-doo-doo-
Shepard: Well it wasn’t his ear.
Traynor: What’s the difference between Commander Shepard and a krogan?
Shepard: I don’t know.
Traynor: One is a rampaging juggernaut of head-butting destruction…
Shepard: And the other doesn’t have a wisecracking assistant to keep in line.
Traynor: Oh that one is even funnier than the number of testicles punchline.
Garrus: I’m Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!
Tali: Don’t say “Ah” to me, you sound like a vorcha.
Javik: Your “Liara” asari asks many questions. You would think she’d never seen a prothean before.
Javik: This has been… amusing.
Javik: To discover the most primitive races of my time now rule the galaxy. The asari, the humans, the turians…
Liara: There’s also the salarians.
Javik: The lizard people evolved?
Liara: I believe they are amphibian.
Javik: They used to eat flies.
Liara: Joker, really? I have work to do.
Joker: Aw, come on it’s just one simple question.
Liara: Then look it up on the extranet.
Joker: You can’t believe everything you find there, it’s more reliable to ask a friendly asari.
Liara: I’m not telling you if my “hair tentacles” move!
Joker: Fine. Deny me the answer I’ve been seeking for years. With this war on, we could die at any second, you know.
Shepard: You know he’s going to keep bothering you till you tell him.
Liara: [sigh] They’re semi flexible cartilage-based scalp crests that grow into shape. And they don’t “flop around”.
Joker: Yes! Thanks Liara, I gotta tell Vega I was right.
Liara: Well, at least he’s making friends.
Tali: I heard about your talk with Liara. You act so angry, but you really care about us.
Javik: I need you functional to destroy the Reapers.
Tali: You care about Liara. You like her.
Javik: You are intoxicated. A foolish risk given quarian symbiotic physiology.
Tali: And you like me, too!
Javik: This conversation is over.
Mordin: Certainly possible. Would require strengthening exercises. Get muscles to support weaker bone structure.
Joker: Right. Yeah, I can do that.
Mordin: Alloy of EDI’s body not like organic tissue. Could cause unintentional damage. Recommend pillows, cushions, possibly gel packs.
Joker: Okay, that’s a little weirder, but… yeah alright. Cushions.
Mordin: Positioning critical to success. Could forward EDI charts, videos with relevant data.
Joker: No, no no! Let’s uh… EDI’s pretty busy with, you know, stuff. Let’s… uh send that to me. You’re not gonna tell anyone about this, right? Like Shepard? Shepard doesn’t really need to know.
Mordin: Guarantee Shepard won’t learn about it from me.
Joker: She’s standing right there, isn’t she?
Sergeant Haron: Our scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you’re dead.
Shepard: I’m getting that everywhere..It’s a pain in the ass.
Shepard: That’s it for now. Let’s get back to work.
Werx: Uh, yeah.
Shepard: Something wrong?
Wrex: Mordin. He got his tissue sample from me all right… Let’s just say scalpels were never meant to cut where he cut.
Liara: You’re giving me asari commandos?
Matriarch Aethyta: Well you’re too old for a damn pony.
Liara: You’re the best father a girl could have.
Tali: Shepard! Want a drink?
Shepard: So… how are you getting drunk, anyway?
Tali: Very carefully. Turian brandy… tripled filtered and introduced into the suit through this… emergency induction port.
Shepard: That’s a straw, Tali.
Tali: Emergency. Induction. Port.